An Empty Glass.

  Sometimes I question my life, and what I have done with it so far.. and I am unhappy with it. Life is supposed to be something beautiful, so they say, and I'm here living everyday in a constant blur. I question the people I hang around with, and ask myself, "are these the people I want in my life?" Sometimes the answer is yes, but other times it's no. I have grown up with a lot of people, and they have changed a lot.. But others, not so much. Some people can change for the better, and some for the worst, and some rare cases not at all (no matter how much you want them to). So you see, I am surrounded by people I know brings me down, but I don't know how to remove them from my life.
  Then there are times where I ask myself, if who I am is who I want to be? I don't feel comfortable in my own skin at the moment, and the things that I think will help me, I don't have access to. I'm struggling, with life and trying to keep up with it. No one wants to be miserable, and I am. I have no desire to try because it all turns out the same, disappointing. If people knew my thoughts, and my secrets that only God knows, I'd probably shunned. I've faced a lot in my last couple of years, and I hope one day I will have enough guts to write those stories but for now, lock and key.
  I would like to have a social life a bit more wide spread than a guinea pig, but that's not always been a strong quality of mine. I chase people away, because I feel I do not deserve them. How do you let people love you, if you don't love yourself? You don't. So, while I sit in my bedroom at 3:00am I ask myself, is this me? I have never felt more alone in such a long time. Sure I have friends and some family, but it all feels so empty; Empty love. My relationship with my parents is weird right now. Our discussions are awkward and again, empty. The two friends I have, are acting a bit distant lately, and as for the rest of my family.. Let's just say, "Faction before blood." Everything is really confusing right now, and bitter. I have A LOT of stored anger for certain people, that I've been holding in for years now. And they just seem to like to add coal to the fire. I don't know what I'm going to do at this point, without hurting the people I love. The people who I hope still loves me.
  I wish I still had my little birdy that held the answer, but sadly he is gone. I pushed him away with my low self-esteem and trust issues. I'll probably never get him again, which hurts; especially now, when I'm teaching myself to love again. And when I mean love, I mean myself. This is the time I need him, because he was the only person that told me what I needed to hear but did it through love and compassion. He was my music guru, and he finally got tired of me and left. He is still a ghostly shadow in my life that will never fade for a while. He is still in contact, but not reachable.


Song Of the day: Young the Giant- Mind Over Matter : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KWWRGmWKkfI