Imagination.

I have been too busy to write daily and long posts, but when I get a chance, I try to sit and write something good. So, here we go.

I have always had an outrageous imagination, ever since I was a little girl. I always had something cooking in my brain. To this day, my imagination is off the roof. People say you grow out of it, but really you don't.. you just stop paying attention and believing and you grow up. Believe it or not, I can still create and talk to an imaginary friend if I want to. Sure, I don't think they're real.. but that's the best part! They can be whoever you want, and it's only for you. Imagination is beautiful, it takes you to crazy places. We get our movies, books, comics, art, etc. All from Imagination. I could sit and dream of beautiful places and think of different outcomes. I can imagine what things would be like, or what they're going to be like.
I like to take naps and sleep a lot, I mea who doesn't? But a lot of people think I'm doing it to be lazy or get some rest, that's not the case. I do it, because I love to dream, and my dreams are vivid and beautiful. They're dreams that could be movies that people would pay to see. Or just some completely outrageous dream, that is crazy weird. But they're all just so beautiful and amazing in everyway.
Basically, the moral of this story is keep open minded and unlock the inner child. Channel the creativeness and imagination that has been buried deep inside. It's beautiful. -Andrea

Song of the day: Great Summer By: Vance Joy.

Happy Birthday to me

I haven't been on in a while, because I've been trying to push to get my homeschooling finished. So hopefully I'll have some kind of summer, but it will be cut short which doesn't really bother me. It's better than sitting at home all day, so why not? Anyway, back at the ranch, tomorrow is my Sweet 16 Birthday Party! Woo. Could you feel the sarcasm? Or did I sell it? Honestly, I don't really know if I'm excited for my birthday. Yeah, it will be nice to hang out with my friends.. but I have more anxiety than anything. Hopefully, things will go smoothly then they have recently. I hope I can feel confident and pretty, because that's just something I am not.. at all. Becoming a year older is anything but exciting to me, if anything it sounds awful. These past years have been anything but sweet, now that I'm turning the big '16' it makes it just more complicated. I don't really know how people put up with me, I'd be surprised if anyone comes tomorrow. I'm not really worth it, not worth the fret, the gifts, the money and dedication. I'm thankful, just guilty I suppose. I always think of the ghosts of my past, all that have caused me absolute hell in my brain.. but they probably never think twice about me. Which hurts because, that means I didn't even leave anything of myself with them and I tried so hard to. I'm sure most of them look at me and see the pathetic mess that I am, because they were one of few who knew my story.
   But besides the sob story, I am feeling a bit better lately.. maybe not really like myself, but better. I've been extremely tired lately, very stressed as well. But behind all of that, I've been confident so that's nice. I'm going to cut this blog short tonight, got a lot to prepare! I'll give you a couple extra songs of the day though! -Andrea


Song(s) of the day: Human. By: Aquilo
                               The Night Is Still Young E. By: Nicki Minaj
                               L.A. Story. By: Sammy Adams
                               America. By: XYLO

 

Random Snippet.

  I recently watched a movie and I am not totally confident in knowing if it was supposed to be as emotional as it was to me. I'm sat here at my open window, with a raging headache writing to whoever is willing to sit down and read this monstrosity. Thanks to the film I seem to be rethinking my life even more than I already have.
 The main character died at the very moment he was truly happy. He didn't get to live to the day he reached his life goals. Ironically, he died from the very same thing he described his passion with. He was always the big mouthed reject that no one ever listened to, with a broken home and a Physiological imbalanced mother. Since he was eight years old, he lived his to life to reach a certain future that he had created in his head, a lot like me in fact. I think that is what made me upset the most, because we are so alike. Sure, we both have different goals but still an a Imagined life the same. And to think that all could be thrown away at your most happiest moment makes you wonder about everything.

Happy Days,
Andrea.

Random Thoughts.

Why does it seem that people only care if you are famous, dying or already dead? Many people treat others like a wasted space, irrelevant to the world. Never taking a second look to the cashier, the waiter, the driver, etc. We don't even realize we could be passing the person with an idea, a cure, or even something darker. You could be passing a man who is going home to take his life and you have no idea. The world is a funny place to me, so particularly strange. People pay millions of dollars for artwork of dead artists, they go all around the world to see paintings hanging on an old nail. But when this artist was alive they never really paid attention. That happens a lot lately, people never paying attention. They never just take time to look at someone and see the pain behind their eyes. No one takes time to sit and really look. They just bypass everything, that's why we all get away with things.

I wish that I could just breath in the fresh air of somewhere new and beautiful. I want to be alone in this place, to be free in this place. Nothing holding me down just me discovering the land without the chains that bind me. Oh, how exhilarating it would be to feel my heart beating out of my chest, to feel the blood pump through my veins. The blood of fear and excitement, to feel so content. To dance, to run, to yell, to experience this marvelous adventure. To be with newly found friends, to go to places that I didn't even know could exist. That's what I would love, to have the life of an exciting, angst teen fiction. Full of eye glittering adventure and jaw dropping drama, what a day that would be. I want to make mistakes and live in the moment sometimes.

A lot of the time I wish I was noticed, I want to be seen. I want to have a bigger life then I do. People tell me that this my life that was given to me and I should except the fact and live it. But I disagree with that.. what is the point of life if you don't make something of it? I never really could understand what John Green meant in 'The Fault In Our Stars' when Augustus said he was afraid of oblivion. It never seemed to apply to me then, but now I understand what he meant.. because I am afraid of the same thing. I am afraid of never leaving some kind of print on the world, I am afraid of never making something of myself that is worth talking about. One of my biggest fears is oblivion. -Andrea

Song of the day: B.o.B - So Good.

The Mosaic.

I haven't been on recently, because I have had a lot on my mind, I still do. I also have become blank when trying to think of something to write. Which is really weird for me, seeing as my mind is constantly running. I can't help but think of the universe and time itself. Of how it could of been or what it is going to be like, of how much things are going to change... How much I am going to change. Things are getting complicated and very confusing. I don't really know what is going on anymore. I wish people could only understand me, so I wouldn't have to try so hard to understand myself. My head is so fuzzy, it feels like my mind is so void. I'm living my life in an eternal time-lapse, and it's difficult. It's taken me over a week to write this, because I don't know if I have anything worth telling anymore. I didn't want this page to be depressing and negative, I was trying to steer away from that. Then I realized that if I want this blog to be real, I would have to write what was really going on. I don't want to make me sound like I have got it all down, because then I would be a hypocrite and fake. So, being the real me, means sharing who I really am; which is depressing and negative. I want to say I am not always like this, but then that would be a lie. But I am not always a complete downer. I try to give the people I love my best effort, because no one needs to be friends with negativity. I've come to terms that who I want to be is going to make a lot of people unhappy with me. I do not do the things I do to hurt my loved ones intentionally, but I am selfish I suppose. I've been called selfish by numerous people, It always hurt me.. but now when the term is thrown at me I do not even flinch. All the things that have been said to me just soak through my skin and sit inside. I do not hold grudges, but I do remember.. I remember everything. A lot of it is because I egg people on, I want them to tell me what they're really thinking. I want them to tell me what I see with my own eyes. I like to close my eyes and dream of what my life would be if certain things didn't happen. I also dream of what could happen. I like to think about other worlds and things that are only written in fiction. Something that wouldn't make this world so bland.  Thinking those things seem to get me in trouble though. Everyone is disappointed in me right now, wishing I was better than their expectations. I will never be able to live up to theirs, let alone my. They always tell me I'm a smart girl, but if they could read my mind they wouldn't think that at all. I think that's why no boy will every be interested in me, I come with to much baggage. I am broken into to many pieces for them to fix. It is as though I've become a mosaic, tons of jagged and uneven pieces stuck together in one body. The picture that was meant to be made is all wrong, nothing but colors mended together. -Andrea

Song of the day: Can't Help Falling In Love- Ingrid Michaelson cover.

Be You.

  Okay, so I am a bit blank tonight, so I'll just let my mind wonder and see how it goes. Lately, I've had a lot on my mind. A lot of stress, it's causing me physical pain... Panic attacks are at their strong point lately. I'm trying to just get through all of this, and get it over with. A wise man once said, "If you're going through Hell, keep going." So that's the game plan for life right now, because remember? Regression to the mean; It always comes back to the middle. I'm having a lot of anxiety, it's all a bit to much sometimes.
  Just because bad things are happening, small things are still good, so lets talk about them. I'm starting to find myself, it's taking very small steps.. but still steps indeed. I would actually like to state something, I like to describe myself and the things I enjoy as Indie. People seem to find me cliché when I say that. They connect Indie to Hipster when they are two completely different things. Indie, is a shortened term from the word Independent; meaning, free from outside control; not depending on another's authority. Hipster just means following the latest trend and or fad. So it bothers me when people make fun of the music or films I watch because they're different and people think I'm just trying to be cliché. My music, films, books, and clothing are all important to me and people seem to forget that. They just see it all as a joke, with anything anybody does.. They're are always those people who can't accept the things that make you happy... For instance, my family. They are very critical about what I do and what I enjoy. It is sad when I have to sneak certain thing to avoid the criticism. They call me a Hippie, which there is nothing wrong with that in my opinion.. but it isn't what I am, I just see the world in a different way. My family are always so 'proud' of my creativity.. but when it's time to actually be creative, it's wrong. I sometimes wish I could just go to a rehab center for my stress and come back in like a year, then maybe I'd be appreciated and missed. I see things and people through the inside, and I see the outside as their canvas expressing themselves. I wish others would too. It's okay to be who you are, because you are loved.

This is who I am.

 

 

 

 

Song of the day: Moon Dust- Jaymes Young. : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tL241A5132k

An Empty Glass.

  Sometimes I question my life, and what I have done with it so far.. and I am unhappy with it. Life is supposed to be something beautiful, so they say, and I'm here living everyday in a constant blur. I question the people I hang around with, and ask myself, "are these the people I want in my life?" Sometimes the answer is yes, but other times it's no. I have grown up with a lot of people, and they have changed a lot.. But others, not so much. Some people can change for the better, and some for the worst, and some rare cases not at all (no matter how much you want them to). So you see, I am surrounded by people I know brings me down, but I don't know how to remove them from my life.
  Then there are times where I ask myself, if who I am is who I want to be? I don't feel comfortable in my own skin at the moment, and the things that I think will help me, I don't have access to. I'm struggling, with life and trying to keep up with it. No one wants to be miserable, and I am. I have no desire to try because it all turns out the same, disappointing. If people knew my thoughts, and my secrets that only God knows, I'd probably shunned. I've faced a lot in my last couple of years, and I hope one day I will have enough guts to write those stories but for now, lock and key.
  I would like to have a social life a bit more wide spread than a guinea pig, but that's not always been a strong quality of mine. I chase people away, because I feel I do not deserve them. How do you let people love you, if you don't love yourself? You don't. So, while I sit in my bedroom at 3:00am I ask myself, is this me? I have never felt more alone in such a long time. Sure I have friends and some family, but it all feels so empty; Empty love. My relationship with my parents is weird right now. Our discussions are awkward and again, empty. The two friends I have, are acting a bit distant lately, and as for the rest of my family.. Let's just say, "Faction before blood." Everything is really confusing right now, and bitter. I have A LOT of stored anger for certain people, that I've been holding in for years now. And they just seem to like to add coal to the fire. I don't know what I'm going to do at this point, without hurting the people I love. The people who I hope still loves me.
  I wish I still had my little birdy that held the answer, but sadly he is gone. I pushed him away with my low self-esteem and trust issues. I'll probably never get him again, which hurts; especially now, when I'm teaching myself to love again. And when I mean love, I mean myself. This is the time I need him, because he was the only person that told me what I needed to hear but did it through love and compassion. He was my music guru, and he finally got tired of me and left. He is still a ghostly shadow in my life that will never fade for a while. He is still in contact, but not reachable.


Song Of the day: Young the Giant- Mind Over Matter : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KWWRGmWKkfI