The Mosaic.

I haven't been on recently, because I have had a lot on my mind, I still do. I also have become blank when trying to think of something to write. Which is really weird for me, seeing as my mind is constantly running. I can't help but think of the universe and time itself. Of how it could of been or what it is going to be like, of how much things are going to change... How much I am going to change. Things are getting complicated and very confusing. I don't really know what is going on anymore. I wish people could only understand me, so I wouldn't have to try so hard to understand myself. My head is so fuzzy, it feels like my mind is so void. I'm living my life in an eternal time-lapse, and it's difficult. It's taken me over a week to write this, because I don't know if I have anything worth telling anymore. I didn't want this page to be depressing and negative, I was trying to steer away from that. Then I realized that if I want this blog to be real, I would have to write what was really going on. I don't want to make me sound like I have got it all down, because then I would be a hypocrite and fake. So, being the real me, means sharing who I really am; which is depressing and negative. I want to say I am not always like this, but then that would be a lie. But I am not always a complete downer. I try to give the people I love my best effort, because no one needs to be friends with negativity. I've come to terms that who I want to be is going to make a lot of people unhappy with me. I do not do the things I do to hurt my loved ones intentionally, but I am selfish I suppose. I've been called selfish by numerous people, It always hurt me.. but now when the term is thrown at me I do not even flinch. All the things that have been said to me just soak through my skin and sit inside. I do not hold grudges, but I do remember.. I remember everything. A lot of it is because I egg people on, I want them to tell me what they're really thinking. I want them to tell me what I see with my own eyes. I like to close my eyes and dream of what my life would be if certain things didn't happen. I also dream of what could happen. I like to think about other worlds and things that are only written in fiction. Something that wouldn't make this world so bland.  Thinking those things seem to get me in trouble though. Everyone is disappointed in me right now, wishing I was better than their expectations. I will never be able to live up to theirs, let alone my. They always tell me I'm a smart girl, but if they could read my mind they wouldn't think that at all. I think that's why no boy will every be interested in me, I come with to much baggage. I am broken into to many pieces for them to fix. It is as though I've become a mosaic, tons of jagged and uneven pieces stuck together in one body. The picture that was meant to be made is all wrong, nothing but colors mended together. -Andrea

Song of the day: Can't Help Falling In Love- Ingrid Michaelson cover.

Be You.

  Okay, so I am a bit blank tonight, so I'll just let my mind wonder and see how it goes. Lately, I've had a lot on my mind. A lot of stress, it's causing me physical pain... Panic attacks are at their strong point lately. I'm trying to just get through all of this, and get it over with. A wise man once said, "If you're going through Hell, keep going." So that's the game plan for life right now, because remember? Regression to the mean; It always comes back to the middle. I'm having a lot of anxiety, it's all a bit to much sometimes.
  Just because bad things are happening, small things are still good, so lets talk about them. I'm starting to find myself, it's taking very small steps.. but still steps indeed. I would actually like to state something, I like to describe myself and the things I enjoy as Indie. People seem to find me cliché when I say that. They connect Indie to Hipster when they are two completely different things. Indie, is a shortened term from the word Independent; meaning, free from outside control; not depending on another's authority. Hipster just means following the latest trend and or fad. So it bothers me when people make fun of the music or films I watch because they're different and people think I'm just trying to be cliché. My music, films, books, and clothing are all important to me and people seem to forget that. They just see it all as a joke, with anything anybody does.. They're are always those people who can't accept the things that make you happy... For instance, my family. They are very critical about what I do and what I enjoy. It is sad when I have to sneak certain thing to avoid the criticism. They call me a Hippie, which there is nothing wrong with that in my opinion.. but it isn't what I am, I just see the world in a different way. My family are always so 'proud' of my creativity.. but when it's time to actually be creative, it's wrong. I sometimes wish I could just go to a rehab center for my stress and come back in like a year, then maybe I'd be appreciated and missed. I see things and people through the inside, and I see the outside as their canvas expressing themselves. I wish others would too. It's okay to be who you are, because you are loved.

This is who I am.

 

 

 

 

Song of the day: Moon Dust- Jaymes Young. : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tL241A5132k

An Empty Glass.

  Sometimes I question my life, and what I have done with it so far.. and I am unhappy with it. Life is supposed to be something beautiful, so they say, and I'm here living everyday in a constant blur. I question the people I hang around with, and ask myself, "are these the people I want in my life?" Sometimes the answer is yes, but other times it's no. I have grown up with a lot of people, and they have changed a lot.. But others, not so much. Some people can change for the better, and some for the worst, and some rare cases not at all (no matter how much you want them to). So you see, I am surrounded by people I know brings me down, but I don't know how to remove them from my life.
  Then there are times where I ask myself, if who I am is who I want to be? I don't feel comfortable in my own skin at the moment, and the things that I think will help me, I don't have access to. I'm struggling, with life and trying to keep up with it. No one wants to be miserable, and I am. I have no desire to try because it all turns out the same, disappointing. If people knew my thoughts, and my secrets that only God knows, I'd probably shunned. I've faced a lot in my last couple of years, and I hope one day I will have enough guts to write those stories but for now, lock and key.
  I would like to have a social life a bit more wide spread than a guinea pig, but that's not always been a strong quality of mine. I chase people away, because I feel I do not deserve them. How do you let people love you, if you don't love yourself? You don't. So, while I sit in my bedroom at 3:00am I ask myself, is this me? I have never felt more alone in such a long time. Sure I have friends and some family, but it all feels so empty; Empty love. My relationship with my parents is weird right now. Our discussions are awkward and again, empty. The two friends I have, are acting a bit distant lately, and as for the rest of my family.. Let's just say, "Faction before blood." Everything is really confusing right now, and bitter. I have A LOT of stored anger for certain people, that I've been holding in for years now. And they just seem to like to add coal to the fire. I don't know what I'm going to do at this point, without hurting the people I love. The people who I hope still loves me.
  I wish I still had my little birdy that held the answer, but sadly he is gone. I pushed him away with my low self-esteem and trust issues. I'll probably never get him again, which hurts; especially now, when I'm teaching myself to love again. And when I mean love, I mean myself. This is the time I need him, because he was the only person that told me what I needed to hear but did it through love and compassion. He was my music guru, and he finally got tired of me and left. He is still a ghostly shadow in my life that will never fade for a while. He is still in contact, but not reachable.


Song Of the day: Young the Giant- Mind Over Matter : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KWWRGmWKkfI

So, I don't want my blog to be only about writing what is on my mind.. but to become a place where I can share things I enjoy (:

So not only am I going to write, I thought I would do Fashion Inspo of the day and Also who's music I'm digging right now.


Fashion Inspo Of The Day.           

 

My thing right now would be Pastels. I love pastel hair and clothing. I find it all so cute and so lively, its utterly brilliant. I'm also taking a very strong liking to flower crowns. I have always loved them, but I have been more interested in them lately. I'm digging Music festival clothing. The fedoras, the beautiful independent clothing. I love it!








Right Now I'm listening to a lot of music, but I'm digging Jamie T. So, check him out x -Andrea

Does it all really matter?

  I'm sat on my bed with the window open, listening to some weird mix. I hear the sounds of outside, the birds, the sound of the wind blowing through the leaves. I can smell the freshly cut grass, on this bright spring day. While the world is turning around me, I can't help but think.. Does it all matter?
  People all around me hurt me, and I let them. I put my trust in them, wear my heart on my sleeve.  All I get in return is people stepping all over me. The people that may be important to me now, but will be just a single hair in my history. I know who the true people are in my life, so why don't I just hold on to them and let go of everyone else? Because life just isn't that simple, sadly, we have to accept what people have done to us and move on. We have to act like they didn't hurt us, but we know deep down that they did.
  Does all the hardship we put ourselves through, really worth it? I don't think so, and I'm tired of acting like someone I'm not, to make someone happy. So I decided instead of writing on here some bull about things that you have all heard before. I thought I'd write something different today, rather what Is inside my head and not the stress that is on my shoulders. Try to understand, my mind is a deep place.. Sorry if you get lost.
  So, like I said.. I'm sat on my bed with the window open, listening to some weird mix. I hear the sounds of outside, the birds, the sound of the wind blowing through the leaves. I can smell the freshly cut grass, on this bright spring day. All I can think about is how I really don't want to deal with this day or the next. I'm listening to this music, and I just wish I could climb through the speaker and live through the song. It reminds me of a peaceful but very rainy day, kind of dark but so beautiful. The wind is blowing the chimes and the only protection from the rain is a big tree in the middle of a forest. I feel no fear, but pure relaxation. I'm sipping a tea that never goes cold, no one is around me.. I'm utterly alone. All I can do is close my eyes and dream, feeling utter bliss.
  It's the place I go to when I am depressed, stressed, and just plain tired. Anything happens there, it's my dreamland. Someplace I look to for comfort, even the people there are good. All who I want to be someday, Happy. I find myself there at the worst of times, but also at the good. If only you could see it and feel it.
  So, I ask you this.. Does it all really matter? Or is it time to go to your dreamland and forget it all just for a little while. Wherever it may be, it's there.. just have to search for it. Like an adventure. -Andrea 

Song of the day: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rWsiNY8B_wM  Sea Oleena -Milk.

Be A Free Balloon!

Just in case I don't post anything tomorrow, thought I'd write up something for tonight.

This is something I read, and I don't know the author but this is not mine. I give the author full credit, but I wanted to share it with you.

People are like balloons. Technically,

they are free to go anywhere and do

everything. Practically, they are

always held down by something, tight

in the palm of someone, stuck in

someplace, knotted there until they

lose air and sink to the floor. And

some people are filled with helium so

they go quick, but they go giggling.

And I decided in life that I would

be a free balloon, the balloon that the

little girl accidentally let go and cried

about until it became but a speck in

space, no larger than the stars, which

is ironic because the stars

are huge - the hugest thing.

-Unknown

 

I absolutely loved that, because I can't stand to settle. People all around me are settling because that's what they know best. They settle for love and end in divorce, they settle for a career that makes them unhappy, they settle where they are and wish they would have done something with their lives. Some even still have a chance to, but they refuse to try. Then there are the people who strive to be successful and go charging through life, missing all the small but important things that make up their lives. In a blink of an eye, their life is gone. I'm being cliché here, but YOLO; you only live once. You need to live life like a free balloon, swaying with life and going up and up towards the stars. Feeling happy and free, not dreading the next day or forgetting the last. - Andrea x

The Middle.

Regression To the Mean
 (phr.) No matter how bad things get, or how good,
things always come back to the middle.

  Like I said, I have been trying to look at things in a lighter sense. Trying to not get so worked up about the bad, focus on the good...That just isn't possible sometimes, because I'm human. We all have our days where we just believe nothing but the bad. I found this little phrase and I absolutely loved it. No matter how bad things get, or how good, thing always come back to the middle. You could be having the worst time of your life, but you just have to remember that it will all come back to the middle. That things will settle after a while, back in to your comfort zone, because they always do. Now it works both ways, you could be having the best time of your life and that always comes to an end sometime. Right back to the middle, like it's supposed to, because what is life if everything is perfect? A figure of imagination, a dream maybe.. because those hardships have made you who you are. You may have harder trials than others, but that just makes you stronger. Life will never be okay, and it makes me mad when people say "oh, it's going to be okay", no it isn't because life wasn't meant to be okay. It's a challenge yes, but such an amazing adventure. Also, it makes pretty great stories some day. Just don't stress, and live life being afraid of what is to come.. because it always comes back to the middle. -Andrea

Adventure is out there!!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gb3PJ5n-vMI - veeoneeye's Video.

  I have always been one who loved to see the world, I've been to 10 different countries in fact. I have loved going to places and just seeing this beautiful place we live in. There is one thing I do regret through, I didn't explore the places I've been to. The whole time I've stuck to a busy schedule, it was all rushed to see the main sites, and I didn't get to see the underground beauty of it. It's disappointing to me that I haven't seen the hidden gold that is found in places.
  I've always been one to want to drop everything and leave. To go places I didn't know existed, to meet extraordinary people along the way. Honestly, what is the point of life if your spending it on your bum? I vowed to myself I would be getting out of this town the first chance I've got. No matter who I've hurt along the way, no mater if I make people mad at me. It may be cruel to say, but it's my happiness not theirs.
  Look outside, look how beautiful it is. Listen to the sounds, the sounds of people, the sounds of nature, the sounds of life. What is stopping you from experiencing it? Everyone has something, I do. I am living in a box, feeling utterly trapped, worried about what may be if I made a big decision. I don't know what's right anymore, my head is a tangled mess. I've planned things in my head, and I still don't know what I want. I want to be free, I want to find me.. and I have no idea how. People constantly ask me what I want to do, but I have no clue. I have been so set on going to college, but I don't know even that anymore. I'm trying to weigh all my options, because I want so bad to be successful, but I also want to be happy; and I don't know what that means. Can I be both? -Andrea

Pilot

  Let us start from the beginning,

I have never been one to stand out, I was always the quiet one; I guess I still am. I will never be the girl that everyone's jaw drops at the sight of, and no matter how much I try.. I'll never be a twig either. I've had a dark couple of years recently, but that's another story. Anyway, because of the gloomy past.. I'm trying to see things in a lighter sense. I defiantly can't do it alone though, I have many things that are helping me along the way. I've got my best friend, Katy, she is my rock; I've got Shelby too, she is my roll ( ha! see what I did there). Not only do my dear friends help me, but so does my social media. I know what you're thinking, "Isn't that supposed to make it worse?" Well, no it doesn't, it helps me in so many ways, such as Youtube, that right there is my life. I follow so many virtual lives, it's sad really. They do help me a lot in different ways though. Another is, well look at this blog for instance, some place to put my thoughts and feelings down. The internet though can be a weapon, but also some forget just how beautiful it can be.

  Like I said, I'll probably never be Kim Kardashian and break the internet, I am and will for ever be a Plain Jane. I feel that isn't in my favor, especially when it comes to relationships. I've been friend zoned, picked on, and even have been bro punched, but never have I been given any sign of a romantic gesture. It's always the people around me, the guys I like pick even my friends over me. 

  I don't hate the world, just the people that's in it. I mean they're are some truly stupid people in this world, it physically hurts me. That's why I've always been one to isolate myself, because it saves me from the headache. One thing that I can't live without is music, it is my security blanket, my safe place. I can attach to the emotions of the artist and feel what they feel at that very moment. I can even close my eyes and see what they are describing, I get lost in another world. No matter if its dreams, or music.. I always have to come back to reality. The reality that is my life, the most boring and the most shortest biographic novel you have ever read. This blog will probably be boring too, but I guess its for me anyway. -Andrea